


We need to talk.

by befuddledbun



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Brotherly Love, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Illustrations, Panic Attacks, i wanted to see more older brothers content out there. be the change you want to see, or a hopeful one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26946610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/befuddledbun/pseuds/befuddledbun
Summary: "It rattles Raph, to know that someone as stubborn, loud, and brilliant as his bespectacled little brother, could be so, so quiet. Small."Raph confronts Donnie about his worrisome behavior- missing meals, ditching school, avoiding his family. As the biggest and oldest, Raph is always there for his little siblings. No matter how they might push him away. It's what he does.A story about strategic texting, public meltdowns, and a wasted Wendy's frappuccino.
Relationships: Donatello & Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 72
Collections: A couple heart-to-hearts are needed





	We need to talk.

**Author's Note:**

> TW: panic attacks, discussions of anxiety, depression
> 
> I drew the title card for the fic, and @clankclunk (on Insta, Tumblr, and Twitter) made the second illustration!

[ ](https://nebulabun.tumblr.com/)

[ ](https://clankclunk.tumblr.com/)

Even with a knock and a "c'mon, D, I live here too," Donnie refuses to crack open the door. Donnie locked the bedroom again and, honestly, Raph has had enough.

A few months ago, Donnie got kicked out of the robotics team and suspended for three days. Raph never knew the specifics. People kept quiet about the whole ordeal. The school's rumor mill would blaze through like a spark in a parched summer plain, but whatever happened to Donnie? Someone stomped on it, fast.

It rattles Raph, to know that someone as stubborn, loud, and brilliant as his bespectacled little brother, could be so, so quiet. Small. The whole house felt it. They had their emergency cuddle session the first day. Rarely Donnie’s the main participant, everyone knows he’s not fond of physical affection and they respect that. But, that week, he clung onto his siblings like a latch, eyes distant and puffy, desperate for any anchor to pull him back from wherever his mind travels.

Of course, they’re there for him. Ever since they were in foster care, they clung onto each other and never let go. It’s what family does.

Donnie sat on the couch next to dad, wrapped in a thin quilt blanket, watching the television with an empty stare. For the first time, it looked like nothing was going on inside his busy, brilliant head. Dad would give a rare rustle of Donnie’s untied hair and a comforting pat- and nothing.

The day Donnie came back to school, Donnie and Raph walked in the school hallways together. Donnie glued his eyes to the floor, his hand grasping Raph’s sweater. Raph’s friends and classmates would greet him and avoid Donnie’s presence. Raph noticed how their gazes linger on Don, and Donnie’s eyes get glossy. One of Donnie’s cheeks flattened, and Raph knows he’s biting the flesh inside his mouth. It’s a bad habit Don had as a kid- he’d bite down until there was blood in his spit. Through the week, Donnie slowly returned to his body, until he didn’t need Raph’s guide to ghost through school.

After suspension, something clicked in Donnie’s head. Raph can’t begin to understand what Don’s thought process is like. He doubts anyone but Mikey knows. Whatever, the point is, one day Donnie walked from school to his room, and stayed in there until they left for school. The cycle repeats: school, home, room. He doesn’t leave for sci-fi movie outings with April, doesn’t leave for their Sunday dojo lessons.

Some days he won’t come out at all.

During dinner, the family would do little things to help Mikey prepare. They set up the utensils, scoop out fresh rice from the cooker, and pour out water into glass cups. They chat. Mikey rambles about the latest art club exhibition, Leo makes a really bad pun, cue a simultaneous groan, Raph does some gentle ribbing, Donnie tosses a witty remark with a sprinkle of cynicism, and Dad would scold them and say the food’s getting cold. When they'd eat sauteed salmon, rice, and pickled side dishes, the conversation dwindles into a warm silence that Raph basks in. He relishes these moments.

Now, Donnie would take his plate and retreat to his room. Conversations become stilted in his absence. More often, Leo and Mikey would get kabobs or pizza with April, and Raph would cook curry for dad and himself. A big pot of it, for leftovers. Later, Raph would notice a half-eaten plate by the sink. There’s more instant ramen cups in the trash can, so Raph takes comfort in knowing Donnie eats, to an extent. Though, Raph misses how Mikey’s cooking would waft out of the kitchen every other night.

One time when Raph peeked in the bedroom, he saw Don hunching over his PC monitor. He tucked tightly into himself, like if he curled up enough, he'd compress into a singularity, and vanish.

Donnie isn't far off from it. They all see his brother crumbling, and his family does their best to hold as he slips like sand through their fingers.

There was last week, Leo cursed up a dramatic, rumbling storm, stomping out of their shared room with a blanket, staking a spot on the living room couch.

"Screw Don. I get it, we all got our problems, but his prick levels are through the fu-” Raph tossed Leo a look. “-freakin’ roof. I can't stand him!" Leo ranted, angrily swiping through Twitter, and Raph doubted it alleviated Leo’s irritation.

He turned to Raph with big, sparkling eyes, clasped his hands and pleaded, "Can't you and I share a room? Or Mikey and me- just for a little while? If you don't I'll sleep on the couch… Please, big bro?"

Raph complied with a shoulder pat and an “anything for my brother.”

So, it all led up to this. Raph starts to understand why Leo lashed out the way he did.

"'S everything alright?" Mikey peaks his head from his bedroom, his poofy hair bobs after him. Then Mikey shifts his eyes from Raph's stiff pose and crossed arms, to the locked bedroom door, and his lips tighten to a thin line. "Oh."

Looking at that wince, Raph sighs. Mikey must've had a fight with Donnie, too. Michelangelo is everyone's favorite, the three older brothers all accept that fact with no hard feelings. But in this case, Mikey's favorite is probably- most definitely- Donnie.

Donnie doesn’t open up, usually. It’s like one of those Atlus games he would spend 100+ hours on. “You need maximum Charisma, Kindness, and Intellect to unlock his tragic backstory,” except they all know D’s tragic backstory by default and he’s just being difficult. But Mikey likes challenges, because he likes “winning” (a trait he absorbed being in Leo’s general vicinity), so he signs himself to the task of being there for Don. The only impromptu hug Donnie would accept without instinctively squirming away is Mikey’s. It’s unsurprisingly, really.

Mikey wields this magnetic aura of optimism, but oftentimes people don’t recognize his earnestness. He isn’t the sort of person to be insincere, and it's a startling contrast to his middle siblings. He listens, empathizes, yet isn’t afraid to point out the core problem. It’s “Dr. Delicate Touch”, they’d complain. A necessary evil. His emotional maturity is beyond their years- it took Raph a lot of elbow grease to end up close to where Mikey sits naturally in his soul.

If they had a falling out... 

"It’s alright, I have it covered,” Raph reassures him, and Mikey’s bright smile returns. Raph’s courage bubbles back up with his little sibling’s faith.

Mikey mouths, “You got this!” with two thumbs up. He closes the door behind him.

Raph turns his gaze back at the locked door. He props up against the wall and pulls out his phone.

He texts. _I’m always here to listen._

The grey checkmark and "read", with no response. His heart falters a bit. Of course a straight-forward response won’t work with Donnie, it never does. Raph’s head picks up as an idea hits.

_I’ll get something from Wendy’s for the both of us._

A bribe never hurt. Donnie’s potential answers buzz through Raph’s mind like a frantic swarm. Before Don could reply, he added another message.

_Can’t bring it home or Leo and Mikey would want something too and I’m not feeling it_

With his final card at play and blood rushing in his head, he sends: _Vanilla Frosty-ccino._

There’s no immediate response, which lights an oily fire of anxiety. Second doubts spark up within him, but he swallows them down. With Leo and Mikey down for the count, Raph’s their last shot. No backing down.

A thumb-twiddling minute passes before Raph notices the three blinking dots. A wave of relief washes over him.

Donnie: _Can’t you bring it here?_

Raph: _Nuh uh. Caffeine privileges are only allowed for brothers who leave their rooms_

Donnie: _Scoff. Fine, I give._

As Raph takes the house keys from a small wooden bowl and ties his dreads into a neat ponytail, Donnie exits his room. Raph makes the agonizing effort not to stare.

Donnie’s brown skin is tinted a sickly grey, his face sagging with exhaustion. His eyes are bloodshot, an indication of time spent in a dark room, facing a dimly lit computer monitor. His bunned hair is stuffed into a well-worn knit beanie. Curly black hair strands peak out, gleaning with grease. The tech whiz pulls his purple hoodie over his head.

“Are we-” Donnie’s voice cracks a bit. He clears his throat. “Are we going?”

“Yup, ready?”

Donnie walks past him, back hunched and eyes averted. Raph holds in a sigh and locks the door behind him.

\--

As Raph opens the diner’s door, warm air hits their faces. The diner is awashed with a pleasant yellow light. The air isn’t as stuffy at this hour- it’s pretty empty during Tuesday night. During times like these, their family would go on a spontaneous outing here. A breakfast-at-ungodly-hours sort of treat. They’d be a bit too rowdy like every other group of unsupervised teens. Leo and Mikey would rip off one end of the straw wrapping, blow, and shoot paper wrappings at each other. Raph would apologize to the staff here, and Donnie would dutifully note that it’s a wasted effort to tone down this family. There’s only the two of them now, but that note of familiarity lingers.

Even though customers are sparse, the two decide to sit at a semi-private corner seat, tucked in the corner of the restaurant. Donnie lays his head down, arms cushioning his forehead.

Madeline walks towards them, and Raph greets her with a sincere smile. Mads, the saint, senses that they aren’t in the mood for small talk. The brunette asks, “The regular?” Raph nods and she gives them a 'rad' hand gesture, jotting their orders down and taking off. Raph mentally notes to thank her another time.

A thick silence permeates the air. For once, Raph is uncomfortable and it’s _wrong_. Raph is an outgoing guy, big in both physicality and demeanor, but he finds safety in the quiet. Especially around his family.

Here, there’s that need to speak up, and Raph blanks out before he can.

When was the last time Raph talked to Donnie alone like this? Raph can’t recall. Usually the others, Leo, Mikey, April, Sunita, even Casey, would stick around them. Having a third party member created a certain dynamic, made conversations bouncy and fun. It’s April’s upbeat spunk, Leo’s carefree attitude, Casey’s unhinged self. Someone else to toss their banter around.

With just the two, Raph would assume the mood relaxes. Donnie and Raph are naturally calmer on their own, focused on their own tasks, so they’re free to say nothing and settle down with each other’s company. Currently, it’s what they’re like in their room. But, the extent of their interactions would be Raph handing Donnie’s dinner with a small thanks, or reminding Donnie to turn in early. Donnie would murmur “yeah” in agreement, eyes attached to the screen. Before Raph sleeps, he sees the blue glow of the computer off the sheen of their Lou Jitsu: Fury of the Crane poster.

Over the course of their shared company, a tense atmosphere has been brewing, one that Donnie’s unwilling to break. Donnie knows Raph wants to talk. The question is whether Donnie will properly respond and not swerve away at the first sign of confrontation.

This dinner is Raph’s opportunity and he is terrified of screwing up.

Maddie brings them their drinks with a wink. Raph could hear her footsteps as she walked away. A rhythmic thumping that punctuates in his heart, and his nervousness begins to swell.

“I can hear you thinking from here.” Raph barely retrains from bolting upwards. Donnie spoke. His brother lifts his head from his impromptu rest, and eyes his drink. “Think any harder and I’ll get worried. You’ll pop a vessel or two.”

“Don’t think that’s how it works,” Raph replies, propping his head against his hand. It offers support as his heart thrums through his body.

“Yeah, it’s a joke,” Donnie deadpans. “Though I do admit it’s not my best.”

Donnie pokes his straw through the lid and smiles thinly at his plastic cup, examining the creamy swirls of milk spill into the dark iced coffee. “My old poison of choice. Haven’t had this baby in a while. It’s an absolute abomination of sugar and caffeine, but that’s exactly why I love it.” He takes a sip and his grin fades. “That’s nothing. What I said was nothing. Forget it.”

Before Donnie's expression grows foggier, Raph pulls him back to earth.

“Hey.”

“Mhm?” Donnie finally makes eye contact. His irises are a rich, dark brown, and a few red veins show on his sclera. Don’s somewhat back to his senses, but there’s a strain to his whole demeanor. As if Donnie plastered a thin sheet of porcelain to his face, ready to crack and dig its edges into his skin.

“We’ve been worried.” Raph treads lightly. Then, he stumbles. “What’s going on with you?”

Donnie takes another sip. “Do you want it in alphabetical or chronological order?”

“Donnie.”

Don rolls his eyes and a pang of hurt shoots through Raph. “Well, what do you think? Should I list the obvious for you?”

“You need an intervention.” Raph clarifies, fidgeting with the straw in his coke. “I might be busy with college apps, school, and dojo, but don’t think I haven’t noticed how you hole yourself up in our room. You’ve been missing school, too. We all noticed.”

“And?” Don raises a brow. “Leo and Mikey take off days from school on occasion. So do you. Can’t tell why mine’s any different.”

Raph frowns. “They’d let Dad know.”

Donnie pauses a millisecond, before resuming his drinking. He shakes his head. “The school notifies father when I’m not there. I’ve been sick more often.”

“Sure, but not in the way you’re implying.” Raph wrings his hands together and earnestly says, “You interfere with Dad’s phone and emails. He doesn’t know when you skip out.”

Betrayal flashes on Donnie's face. “... You’re going to snitch on me.” Don states it without question. He knows.

“I’m sorry I’m holding this against you, but please, just tell me what’s going on,” Raph pleads. “We want to help.”

“Why did I even come here?” Don stands and pushes his drink away. The coffee tips onto the table, the lid acts a saving grace as Raph quickly places it upright. “I’m going home.”

Raph leans forward and gently holds Donnie’s wrist. “-You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Donnie snatches his arm away from Raph. A violent shudder runs through him.

“No. You listen to me.”

Donnie’s voice is low, his words slow and punctual.

It’s a frigid anger, one that sends a jolt of icy shock through Raph’s bloodstream. He’d seen Donnie angry before, and it’s a bonfire, a burst of dramatic rage. Like when Mikey accidentally tripped up the wires of their PS3, or they couldn’t afford that trip to a big robotics convention, or his computer crashes and he lost a whole page of hard-written code. Donnie explodes. He would scream and gesture wildly at who or whatever his rage shoots at, with hot, angry tears and gritted teeth. This is entirely different. It’s the anger of a person who’s given up.

“Apparently, I’m not allowed any privacy without my idiot brothers getting into my business. If you want to know so badly, _fine_.

“School screwed me over, so why should I go? My peers steal my ideas, my work, and call it their own. I was a tool. I trusted them and they used me. The moment I called them for their bullshit, they called me unstable.” Donnie grips the edge of the table to keep himself stable, hand shaking with the intensity of it.

“ _Hah_. I can’t even prove them wrong. It’s alright, I’m just overreacting. Like I always do.” A brief smile pulls across his face, twisted with venom and disdain. “Kendra deserved that broken nose. It felt good. Whatever. Get suspended once and everyone treats you like a time bomb.”

Guilt chokes Raph into a stunned silence. His brother’s been suffering, and they let it happen for _months_. Donnie needed some space, they thought, he needed time until he reached out. Then time passed, occupied with their own everyday lives, and they got used to Don’s absence. They were all compliant bystanders in his isolation.

“Staying home is the logical course of action. I can code without interference, learn subjects faster than the school curriculum. I do well alone. I'm- I’m _sick_ of people looking at me like- I get these looks at school and now even my _family-_ ” Donnie’s chest staggers irregularly. The table rattles with him. “Don’t worry, I have it under control. I’m fine.”

Donnie’s panic brings Raph back to reality. It’s the familiar signs of lurched, quick breathing, the shaky, brittle look in Donnie’s eyes. A realization crashes over Raph and instinct handles the reigns.

“Donnie, look at me.” Raph’s shoulders lift with an exaggerated inhale, air expanding his chest and abdomen. He holds it and exhales. “Can you copy me?”

No response.

Raph continues to guide anyway, hoping his brother follows along. “Let’s breathe together. In… Hold. Out...”

After a few breaths, Donnie closes his eyes, and takes a wobbly breath.

In, two, three, four. Hold. Out for seven.

Donnie sits down, wiped out, and a solemn calm takes them both. As the moment hits him, Donnie buries his face into his hands.

Raph hears Donnie’s muffled “fuck” as he looks around. The other patrons caught stares had made them return to their food and conversations. Donnie hunches into a ball, intent on forgetting that they are in a public establishment. Madeline tiptoes over with a sympathetic expression.

“I’m guessing you’d want your order to go?”

Raph sinks into his cushioned seat, embarrassment settling in his stomach. “Yeah, that’d be nice, Mads.”

“Cool, I’ll be right with you.”

\--

The city is polluted as all hell, but the cold night air grows crisper as they approach the park. It takes up the whole block. There’s a paved dirt path that meanders by, a children’s playground with monkey bars and swing set, a single locked tennis court with a basketball court across it. When Leo manages to drag all of them, they’d sneak out and play along. Leo would play circles around him, but it’s nice sweating out on clear nights. It’s better to know that his brothers are having fun, regardless of everything going on. Graduation day edges closer. Raph doesn’t know how his little siblings are managing it, but Raph promises not to leave far for college. Dad tells him otherwise, that his brothers can take care of themselves, but- Raph shakes his head and tucks that stream of thought away.

Donnie, though? From the way he’s acting, he’s actively sabotaging his future. There are only so many days of school he can miss, grades he can barely maintain. It isn’t Donnie’s fault, though. But the longer he spirals downwards, the harder it gets to crawl back up, and Raph doesn’t want to think about where that leads.

When Raph looks, Don tucked his limbs into his oversized jacket, arms wrapped around his folded legs, pressing his forehead against his knees. Like a sad pillbug, the ones they used to keep as pets when they were little. It’s familiar- some things in Donnie never change.

“I’m sorry,” Raph starts. His fingers intertwining on his lap. “I pushed too far. I… It hurts to see you this way. I wish you came forth about this sooner.”

“Don’t,” Donnie shakes his head sluggishly, face obscured in his hoodie. “Don’t blame yourself. ‘S not your fault. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“D- you can’t-” Raph groans and points at him. “You should say things!”

That earns a snort from his middle brother. “Glad you’re better at articulating your thoughts,” Donnie muses.

Raph pouts in mock offense. “I’m plenty articulate. Raph says words great!”

“Oh my god,” Donnie cringes and glares at his big brother. “Don’t you dare talk in the third person.”

“Raph doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’ll pay you to stop. Real, genuine United States currency, specifically for you.”

“You dare try silencing your favorite big brother? Raph never has been and never will be silenced.”

“My _only_ big brother- didn’t get a choice in that matter,” Donnie elbows Raph in protest. “I can’t believe you did Debate. You act like a completely different person there.”

Raph blanks out. So, he takes a moment to soak in the night sky. The city lights cloud up most of the view, but a few stray, persistent stars pierce through the murkiness. A breeze rustles the trees. Dead leaves twirl and scrape across the grass and ground, catching on fences and trash cans.

“You had panic attacks before.”

Raph glances at Donnie for a second before resuming his stargazing.

“Yup.”

“It was the World Schools Debate, wasn’t it. Semi-finals.”

“That was a hellish year,” Raph confesses. Donnie sits up, head tilting curiously towards his brother. “I took a leadership position and everything sorta fell apart. Thought I could handle the pressure. I did for a good while. Then I had more and more anxiety attacks, which led up to a pretty public meltdown. It’s why I quit. Y’know how I’d get sessions after school?”

“Dad got you a tutor-” It clicked together. “Oh.”

“I got therapy. Again.” Raph massages the side of his neck. It’s soothing. “I mean, I’ve always been a nervous guy. It came out as anger at first. I had to be on the defense, for you guys and myself. 'Course, that changed after Dad took us in and I started transitioning, but I guess my anxiety never left. Now it’s about how I deal with it. I got help.”

Donnie rolls his head back and sighs. “So, the point of this outing was for you to tell me to get help from a professional.”

“Kinda, sorta. Your whole family’s here for you, too.” Raph pats Donnie’s knee. “We’re stuck together for the long haul.”

“Yeah.”

Donnie quiets down for a beat. He leans his head against Raph’s shoulder. The two brothers sit there for a while, calm in their company. They could stay here for hours and Raph wouldn’t mind at all. Though, it’d be best if they arrive home before Dad freaks out.

Raph feels a damp spot growing on his shoulder. Donnie starts hugging his arm and presses his face against it. Donnie’s body hitches with sobs, but the look on his face is stoic, numb.

“I don’t feel like a person anymore,” Donnie whispers, so hushed that Raph barely picks it up. “I can still cry. That means something.”

Raph pulls Donnie into a full embrace. Once again, Raph notices how tiny Donnie gets when he’s hugged, how a rush of protectiveness overcomes Raph as Donnie hugs him tighter.

“It might not feel it, but it’ll get better,” Raph promises.

“I’m tired. I’m just so _tired_.”

“I know, D. I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! It's a bit of a downer ending, but things will get better for them soon.
> 
> The biggest thank you to clankclunk and solbaby for the support and wonderful writing/art, and for hearing out my silly, angsty human au. It means a lot to me :'). You can find them both on Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr- they're absolutely incredible.
> 
> And to my sister, who beta read and burned my first draft, so this rewritten draft turned out decent. Thank you for tolerating my turtle obsession.


End file.
